I get it

Last night, as I spoke to my daughter, I told her, I get it. The acceptance of self...the power of Now....the Now of having faith...the allowing yourself to just rest and stop pretending to be someone.....the allowing of myself to be disappointed in others actions but not disgruntled. I get it....how to tell someone words that are not easy to say but necessary for them to hear. I get the left out feeling . ..it has begun to give me power. A quiet power that I never knew I had.

This makes me happy. I used to want to go and be around all the popular people. I used to dream of being with the wealthy and rich of this present world. Until I read the book of Proverbs twice. Until I revisited certain passages over and over and it was there that I found a secret. That I can be wealthy. I can be set. I can be in a place of pleasant riches. As the Proverb states: "Wisdom builds the house, but knowledge fills the rooms with pleasant and precious riches". Not to walking into a bank and seeing $$$$$$$$$$$$ misteriously placed in my account. But providing a way for that money to get there. Even with the secret of finding a man who will love me for me and prefer me over anyone else so much so that he will want to marry me as Melissa Manchester sang so passionately in the 70's. I get it.

But it is a power of keeping. It is the power of living. It is knowing that I am in a place where my faith and my being in the present moment allows all possibility to abide. I cannot adequately explain it. Perhaps this visual will help me see it and by typing it you will see it too! Every door seems closed to me. But in my heart, I know they are opened. But there is nothing in my life telling me that this is nothing more than a contrary hope that will manifest itself in the near future.

However, it is because of the Wisdom, I am sure. I am positive. I know. Everything will come to me as it should and when it is manifested and if I never sell my hope, my faith, my trust short. There are times I've listened to friends who second guess themselves, say things they don't mean and cannot take back. Friends who look really successful and are a bag of water, nuts and bolts. In debt and see nor plan to get out of it. Here I stand. With a hope of knowing that even though I cannot adequately explain it. I get it.

Amy Winehouse

That talented young woman...gone...everyone is speculating. Not one of the TV commentator's who are talking about her say they knew her personally. But yet they are delivering us the news of her death. Telling us about what someone else says about her and we listen hoping for what?! She is gone. She was amazed at her stardom even though she worked in a place that produced stars.

How many of us singers pray daily for a chance like that. To have a band ...to have a voice...to catch people by surprise with the talent we give to them without asking for anything in return. It seems rebellion and sex. Or changing your sex or coming out are the attention getters in our world of "born this way". But when we get alone. Who is it we call, really. When we step out of the shower or close the door on the last visitor leaving our home for the evening. We sit down and alone...what is it...who is it that we think of....even in our "born this way" state of mind...how do we feel inside? Is happiness there or gee, I am so glad that is over! What do we really want?
What did Amy or Jimmi or Janis really want so desparately or Freddie Prinze for that matter....What did Marilyn Monroe see when all the people left her alone? All that fame but hearts filled with despair?

This may or may not make since to anyone but me but I just wonder when you reach that type of stardom can the mind tell you that all you need really is a drug or a drink to get you into a place of contentment. Isn't your talent enough or isn't your parents love enough or isn't love of self enough? I don't know. I just know that I have lived long enough to hear and read the news of the Jimmi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, the Doors lead singer and others ...and it is all drugs...And they all seem to think they have control of it. And if they don't walk away and make a change beginning with every person around them and their lifestyle they remain in it...they try but never get out until they are dead. I have a boyfriend like this.ar...he comes around...then he leaves for days ...weeks...then he comes around telling me how he loves me but I cannot talk about the life of drugs he thinks I am unaware of....Everyone has tried but he won't...but I wonder when you are a "star" shouldn't there be more avenues to go to for recovery?

Perhaps not, it just makes me sad. We live in a land of Mega churches and podcasts of prayer rooms and somehow the people on the gossip shows are never hounded by these church leaders...not even Buddists or any other religion does the reach out to the lost. Because Television is teaching us that destructive behavior is just that...we all have it in us. We all participate in something we shouldn't sometimes. But when we keep doing it. When we keep going to the drugman and he or she won't even protect his/her investment by saying ...no more this week ....try next week...give your system a break....What is happening? Yes we have choice. And I am not saying to take that away...I am just saying ...or asking for tenderness, kindness when I see someone drinking themselves to death or using drugs to ask them ....can't you just give yourself a break for a day? A week? Can't you just try...with my boyfriend he tries but he goes back....it's like he wants death and it won't come quick...it waits...So I had to say goodbye to him...

The worst of all my writing this is I realize that all people do have choices and ending your own life is or can be one of the things a person might want to do. So I write in appeal to the Mega church people...even the busy pastors in this town where I live who pass people who are high and who avoid them.....won't you try to reach out to these personalities and ask them to give love a chance...give peace in their minds an opportunity for love to flow in. After all, isn't that what we should do as Christian believers or peacemakers or even the freethinkers...to offer another option than self destruction? Because Amy is gone.

Vestibular Shcblah blah

It hurts me. The words that a friend spoke to me that my ex said to her 20 years ago. But I learned from it.

I learned that people will say what ever they want...think what ever they want and there is nothing you can do about it.

So living is the best thing. Live strong. Live out loud as the Oxygen network exclaims and Oprah tells us all!

We are to hold our own truths so evident that we are always aware of the elephant in the room ....US.

I grew from the words ....I learned more about her as a person and I decided to apply what Mrs. Taylor said....."Be mindful of the energy you bring into this room".....I will make my energy always positive!

12/31/20210

Becoming Vegetarian

Okay...so I failed today....I have been trying to become a vegetarian. I do well all day. Okay well, not today. I ate at Captain's D's but I couldn't eat all of it. It made me so sick. Then later, I went to Big lots and purchase noodles. I cooked them and ate them they were good...but somehow ...I had planted in my head a Jenkins bbq sandwhich and there I went and ate 2 bones and got sick again....could not finish it....and I don't want to eat it again.....sad...sad...but I did feel better after I ate the noodles and worse once I ate the cake and bbq ....terrible me. Must do better....

My Hair is Red

And so my hair is red. REally red...I did it to cover the gray and of course it didn't work. But with it being so red ...a person has to look really hard to see it. The gray I mean....

Reactions...well, I've had a few...just enough to mention! My Oldest son said..."I like it, Ma". My third rock said, "You look like a lioness" and he growled!

I know I should go to bed and wake a and look at me again....but I like it...it was a shock at first to go from black to fire red. Fits my new mood....my new feeling about life. I don't want to sit on a computer and chat. No way, let's meet and talk...let me hear your voice and you hear mine.


AND I am going to New Orleans for the first time this week. I wanted to approach that city with a different look. And I will.

I tell you all about it when I return. :)

Kelley as a World Missionary- Beginnings

Well, this is just the beginning for the Baby of this Jackson family. He has forgone all his worldy goods and is training to become a Missionary. Funny it seemed just yesterday that he was a baby. I know, it's the Mom in me. But I am excited and a little scared at the same time. My son is going to God knows where to do God's work with people who have less than less and he sees this as a blessing?!?!! Now for all of my agnostics, I am sure you are hearing me loud and clear but since I am a Christian and have been one since I was a mere babe. I do understand the call....I've even served as a Missionary myself. And I am amazed that this is Kelley's life choice. He does this willingly. No fighting only the hope of adventure as he wins souls to Christ. For this I really should be grateful. I am but.... I am used to preacher's even ones who don't really believe what they preach but this is the "job" they chose to they make the best of it. I am also used to the ones who preach because they are just gifted like that, especially in the black community where I grew up. My Mom and her friends would sometimes say..."oh, he is doing the best he can at living uprightly but lawd he can preach". But then, I must give the floor to the preachers who really enjoy what they do...all of them, black, white, asian, hindus, buddists, priests they know they have a call and they give up nearly everything to pursue it. The Kathryn Kulman's of our times, the Dr. Paul Walker and Pastor Cymbala's who go to places so different from themselves and tell people about a Christ who loves and who allows choices and who died for us all. This seems to be the path of my son in it's most inifinite degree. Leave hot showers to go to places where the water is shared by the locals animals and humans. To give up television and embrace the long dark night under the stars. To shake a hand or carry a child and all the while whispering a prayer of comfort....perhaps he will learn new languages and come home to teach us. Perhaps he will not come home but find a new home changing lives forever. This is my Kelley. The little boy who nearly died at 3 weeks old. The little boy who was healed by pronouncing fervently "In the Name of Jesus of Nazerath, be healed" as I held him as a young Mom home alone not knowing what else to do because the doctors had given him up. This same Kelley who just recovered from surgery due to his diagnosed Chron's disease. He continues to fight battles...to recover. His goal is to tell others of this Christ. No I don't understand it all but I accept his decision and support him with all my being. Won't you join me. Even if you are agnostic and may never believe as we do in our Christ...Kelley will also help build home and schools and care for the sick and read to the children and he will dance and they will probably show him a step or two. More than anything just standing alongside the locals where ever he goes to help. Join us. An adventure of the love kind. Again, Join us.